Asor letters: Are ladies materialistic or are guys just stingy?

Dear Asem,

I enjoyed the movie selections that you made for me the other day, but I would like more of the Crime and Action kind of movies next time.

Forgive me for not getting back to you earlier, but I have thought about the issues you’re having with Efua and how your six-month-old relationship is being threatened. Although I do not consider myself an expert on relationships, I hope my two pence will help you to resolve this problem.

As a young graduate, who recently landed a job, I understand how your salary is not much to support your lifestyle not to talk of spending your hard-earned money on someone else. Yet your girlfriend continues to ask for money to expend on ‘frivolous’ things. On days when you are able to meet her request, you still cannot fathom why you should do it, since you’re not her father. The most annoying bit of it all is that she also has a job, but finds it convenient to take your money. Thus, you conclude that she is materialistic, a gold digger.

Let me tell you a story about a couple, whom I know; they live in my neighbourhood.

Kwaku and Ohemaa have been together for three years. Kwaku works at the Ports, but has a business on the side, while Ohemaa is a salaried worker; just as we are. The lady says that her boyfriend is a very generous man, much unlike anyone whom she has ever met. He gives her money even when she hasn’t asked for it because according to him, he likes to take care of his woman. He provides everything from the tips of her hair to the soles of her feet – such as hair pieces, jewellery, make-up accessories, clothes, underwear and shoes.

I’m told that some guys go to the extent of providing accommodation and buying cars for their women, all in a bid to make their lives as comfortable as possible. You know the best part? They don’t even feel the dent in their pockets. They have, so they splurge. Now I’m asking; is Ohemaa materialistic, because she collects all of these goodies, or her case is different because she doesn’t ask for it?

The proverb “cut your coat according to your cloth” existed before Amakye Dede made his song “Sokoo na mmaa pɛ,” yet people continue to go in for people they cannot ‘handle’. I don’t see why Efua’s tastes should change, simply because you can’t pay up. In the same manner, you shouldn’t kill yourself to impress her. Also, the fact that she asked you for money does not necessarily make her materialistic as you claim. Trust me, if she was looking for a gold mine, your concession wouldn’t qualify.

Your fear is that she will leave you when she meets someone who can meet her needs. I am sure you have heard stories of when a man took a woman through school and she ended up leaving him because her preference had changed. Conversely, a woman supported a man through hard times and the day he became rich, he left her for a sophisticated woman who could ‘chop’ his money. Yes, it is unfair but this life is full of choices.

As a woman, I am careful, when it comes to choosing a life partner. I can decide to be emotional or rational about it, depending on what I am looking for. My biological make-up enables me to have children if I want to. With this mindset, any decision I make should have the future of my children in the calculation.

I don’t know which mother would like to see their children go hungry or homeless. Therefore, I go for a man based on how secure my children and I will be; meaning he should be accomplished or have the potential to succeed. I might be equipped to provide for my children by myself, but believe it or not, Dangote is still working for money. The only excess with my approach will be the situation where I meet a rich man and I am with him solely for his money; that is the day I become a gold digger with a degree.

Thus in making your own choices as well, I will advise you to get to know who you are and your limitations, to let you know the right ones to make. Lay down your cards to Efua and let her understand what you can offer or not, after all it is a relationship not a marriage. If it’s possible, you can use this time to hustle hard and become more suitable for the kind of woman you want. Ultimately, your peace of mind is what is important.

So Asem take it easy; get yourself a khebab you can afford, a beer you can pay for and get a ‘Cassette’ of Tupac. Play and dance to his song ‘That’s just the way it is…’

Till we talk again, take care and be happy!

Asor.

 

Columnist: Akosua Asor Amponsah. The writer works with Citi FM/Citi TV. She enjoys fiction and relationship writing.