Asor Letters: My jealous ‘Friend with Benefits’

Dear Kuuku,

Hmmm… What do I even call you now; my friend, my colleague – or more absurdly, my ex-lover?

You are one of the most amazing acquaintances that I have ever had the pleasure to know. It is sad that things are awkward between us now, but I do not regret for a second that I met you and even got to know you in the biblical sense of the word.

It’s been a roller coaster ride with you, this past year and I don’t only mean the highs and lows of our friendship, but the uneven tempos of the orgasms you gave me. I am not complaining though, since I do not know which of my other, numerous male friends would have been willing to engage in hanky-panky acts with their female friends; with no strings attached.

Do you recall when the accountant nearly caught us coming out of the bathroom, after one of our office quickies? I heard Sonia talking about it with an intern; it appears that we were not the only ones engaged in extraneous and rather extra-curricular activities in this office, if the number of used condoms in the trash every morning is anything to go by.

You were right about one thing though; I’ve got serious commitment issues. After my relationship ended two years ago, which left me with a broken heart the size of Moesha’s fake butt, I have been hoping and waiting for him to come back to me, because I do not see myself falling in love with anyone else.

Ever since that time, I have avoided any form of love obligations, which is why I run whenever there is anything akin to seriousness coming from the other party.

I also made some important life decisions, which goals became a priority so I couldn’t afford any distractions, thus relegating romantic relationships to the backburner.

However, as the saying goes, ‘body no be firewood’; so I boldly propositioned relationships that solely concentrated on the physical aspects of things, which is what I tried to make you understand from the beginning, as my friend. I trusted you enough to keep us a secret, given that what we were about to do was unconventional, at best.

Just like you, some of the guys either didn’t get the memo, or they just wanted to ignore my reasons for being with them in the first place. They would become clingy or start referring to me as their girlfriend, which was the ultimate pass for me to abandon them and their developing feelings.

I know about how Mr. Bawa and Asieduaa ended up getting married. They were also ‘fooling around’ like us, but found love in the process. Even though he was her boss, they did not allow their rendezvous to have any bearing, positive or negative, on their jobs. I even heard he was sponsoring her as well, taking care of all her financial needs, in return for a blank cheque to enjoy her body.

I would now like to disclose that, my ex was the same man you saw me with during the MOGO Concert, where we were grooving to Akwaboah’s song, “Hold Me Down”. He is back in my life now and I plan to literally, hold him down.

Forgive me if I led you on, but I had no plans of taking this any further, beyond what it was. Maybe I should have taken the hint when you started scowling and complaining whenever you saw me go to lunch with any of our other male colleagues. I thought you were being a protective friend, not a jealous one.

I know that I am definitely not the best person to give you any advice, but I presume that maybe you are not cut out for casual flings. In that case, it would be in your best interest to avoid such dealings and find an actual girlfriend.

I never told you this, but I think Serwaa in the Marketing Department likes you. Who knows? Dating and falling in love with the right person could help you forget about our short-lived affair.

Nonetheless, I would love for us to still be friends. Please do not cut me off.

Esinam