I WANT TO BE LOVED

It seems like our generation is obsessed with “talking.” We like “talking” because it’s casual . It means no commitments. It means we can get dinner three days in a row and then ignore each other’s texts for the next week. Then get dinner again. Repeat. Recycle. Always moving in one place

Casually texting, casually chatting, casual dates, casual sex, casual talking. Nothing is serious. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is set in stone, rather etched softly in sand. We are told that “talking” is great. Because we can talk to the cute guy who works in the office suite across from us. And the curly haired boy from Tinder. And our old flame from back home. We can keep talking, talking, talking, until our vocal chords are fried and we have nothing left to text back.

BUT I’M TIRED OF ALWAYS TALKING.

I don’t just want someone to text at 2:00am, I want someone to text when I have a bad day and need someone to cheer me up. I don’t just want to just get dinner for one stray night, but enough times to memorize someone’s favorite food and drink orders. I don’t just want to just keep texting, I want to start living.

I am tired of cutting off fun conversation in the name of “keeping it cool” and going on fun dinners that end with nothing besides a “let’s do it again.” I do want to do it again, mark me down for every Friday for a while.

I am tired of ambiguous labels and ironic questions from friends who ask “what are you guys?” Because I don’t know. Nobody does.

I am tired of trying to balance multiple conversations with multiple people who also have multiple people to text back after me. I am tired of balancing, of calculating, of… “talking.”

And I’m not saying that I’m ready to commit my whole life to someone, but I am ready for more than a few hours, or a few days. I am ready for more than just talking my life away.

I AM READY TO START LOVING.

I am ready to laugh uncontrollably with someone, at jokes that only the two of us understand. I am ready to read my books leaning against someone’s legs, relishing every opportunity to be close. I am ready to not just show up for dates, but experience a relationship. I am ready to not have my smile fade when it’s time for us to go our separate ways.

I am ready to build a bond with someone that goes beyond “hanging out” and responding to each other’s snapchats. I am ready to give myself to someone, and see if someone will give themselves to me. I am ready to stop guarding my heart and hedging my bets.

And I don’t know if it will work out, but I am ready to try.