Things You Need To Stop Doing Right Now

1. Texting at the table.

Put your phone away. It’s that simple. When you’re out to dinner, at a bar, or in any scenario where you blatantly ignore the person you are with and focus on your phone, you become an asshole. Texting while your friend sits across the table from you in silence is one of the most irritating $things ever. You are basically saying “Hey, so glad we took the time to get together, but I’d rather focus my attention on [INSERT – another friend, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail].

2. Excessively sharing how much you exercise.

People, it’s ok… going to the gym still counts just the same even when you don’t tell anyone. Don’t get me wrong, you should be proud that you are taking steps toward an active and healthy lifestyle, but please realize that you will lose the same amount of weight whether or not you tell me how many miles you run, post that work-out photo, check-in at your gym, or link your running app to your Facebook.

3. Over-using the “Reply All” button.

Constantly hitting “reply-all” on an e-mail quickly reserves you a prime spot in the obnoxious category. If you hit “reply all” and your message contains a one word response like “thanks”, or even worse, the one letter response “k”, then you are obnoxious. If the e-mail thread is now 16 messages long and 15 of those messages are just you and one other person going back and forth about last night’s episode of Game of Thrones (take that shit offline) then I want to remove you from my contacts forever.

4. Hash Tagging #whitegirlproblems.

First and foremost, you ladies realize this is racist, right? Last time I checked, white girls aren’t the only race that drink caramel macchiatos from Starbucks, are just SO miserable because they are on day 3 of their juice cleanse, or are super tired on Mondays. Also, I’m pretty sure other races can run out of hairspray, too.

5. Talking with your mouth full.

You are an adult. Maybe you were not taught basic manners when you were younger, but for the love of God, please be more self-aware of your gross eating habits. You may not notice you are doing this, but now this is the ONLY thing I notice and will be distracted by for the duration of our Panera Bread lunch date.

6. Constantly reminding the world how single you are.

You are most likely an amazing human being with a great sense of humor and sparkling personality, but the constant complaining about how you will never find someone makes you a tad bit unattractive. This is especially annoying if you are in your early twenties. Guuuuurl (or guy), you have years to find someone to be in a relationship with. There are a lot of people on this planet, it’s going to take some time…so relax. Just because you’ve been single for two years (which in your mind is FOREVER) does not mean that you are destined to live a sad lonely life only to die alone without knowing what true love feels like.

7. Guiling your friends.

If you plan a happy hour after a long work week and I am way too exhausted to join because I can barely keep my eyes open when 6pm on Friday rolls around, please don’t make me feel guilty. The phrase “What can we do to convince you to join us for drinks?!” is an unnecessary waste of your time. My decision to not join your group of friends for a cocktail is not going to unleash a plague onto this earth resulting in the end of days for us all. I’m just sleepy and would like to go home, take my pants off, and make some mac n’ cheese.

8. Using the word “literally” a little too figuratively.

“Oh my God, I literally died when I watched Scandal last night!” No, you didn’t. Unless you are a ghost that has yet to pass over into the afterlife and you are now haunting me because you could not bear to leave this world until we discussed Olivia’s troubled love triangle, then you are not dead. The only person who can literally get away with incorrectly using this word is Chris Traeger.

9. Making every little thing a competition.

The more times you try to one-up someone, the more you will start to resemble Kristen Wiig’s “Penelope”. This makes you look desperate for attention and people will stop talking to you because they will grow sick of hearing you say things like “OMG you have a UTI? SO funny, I just had a UTI, but mine lasted longer and I pretty much get them all the time, sooo…”

10. Using any of the following words or phrases.

“I can’t”, “cray”, “I die”, “totes”, etc. You are making our society sound like a bunch of complete morons. Please know that the English language is totes disappointed in you.