Things You’re Guaranteed To See During Every World Cup Game

1. FAKE INJURIES :

Where’s the only place you’ll see a grown man writhing in pain, tattling on another man for tripping him up, and falling to the ground in a grandeur expression of drama when another’s shoulder graces his own? Only at the gathering of some of the most athletic men in the world, of course.

2. SIX PACKS :

Cristiano Ronaldo… need I say more? The dri fit jerseys are a welcome help to this one. Not to mention some showcases of well-defined calves and a couple of rather gorgeous faces (minus the often substandard teeth).

3. A REFEREE SANDWICH :

As if a player yelling in the ref’s right ear is going to do anything more than the opposing player’s screeching in his left. If I had a dollar for every time an enraged player’s pleading and begging led to a call reversal, I’d have you… Oh yeah, zero dollars.

4. OVERWEIGHT FANS , PAINTED UP :

The fitness of the players is instantly balanced out by a quick survey of the crowd. Somehow, 98% of soccer fans have double chins and beer bellies, and the television coverage conveniently chooses to only show the obnoxious, shirtless, severely obese ones. Go figure.

5. HANDS IN THE AIR :

No, not the fans’. Each and every player consistently believes that they can somehow get away with whacking out a guy’s legs from under him if he immediately throws his hands in the air. Obviously you’re innocent from any and all fouls if your hands are raised. Soccer rules 101.

6. A SHOULDER BITE :

Okay, so maybe not every world cup game…