Virtual Sex, Masturbation, No Mouth-to-Mouth: Intimacy Amid COVID-19

“So yaar, when did you masturbate last?” I said to an ex who is particularly shy. Because what else to do in times of corona? “Kya bakwaas hai yaar – what nonsense are you talking man,” was his instantaneous reply. It’s sort of my specialty. To embarrass decent folk with my lewdness, especially when we are all in confined spaces. Since I wasn’t successful this one time, I decided to spread it around a little, by curating the best sex stories in times of corona.

This does NOT come with a health warning, people.

During Corona, Is ‘Sex As Popular As An Empty Loo Roll Shelf’?

First, New York. The health department was concerned about queries that must’ve been pouring in from all over – “if we are COVID-19 positive… can we have sex?” So they came up with a very matter-of-fact answer. Matter of fact to you and me perhaps, but the New York Post was a bit more squeamish, so they prefixed the news with a judgemental headline – ‘NYC Health Department gets graphic in coronavirus sex memo.’ Here’s what the notification actually said. Pretty mundane.

“You are your safest sex partner,” the document reads. “Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after.”

They titled the piece ‘The Hard Truth’ just for fun – and because they are British.

The article pointed out that of the 1,634 they polled, “it turns out that sex is about as popular as an empty loo roll shelf.” In percentage terms, “just three percent of women said that they’d be having self-isolation sex, and five percent of men.”

What’s ‘Virtual Sex With Real People’ All About?

For those outside this demographic, luckily, there seem to be some online solutions at hand. An American website called TechCrunch published a piece by someone called John Biggs, who claims that an adult web-streaming service is offering VIRP or “virtual intercourse with real people”, where you can sit in a virtual chatroom and have virtual sex using robots to represent you.

White dude sits with virtual reality or VR glasses on. A virtual white doll is sitting astride him with slim white panties on, while his hand cups her firm, round, perfectly-shaped breast.

While we’re on virtual sex, I do have some gyaan of my own to add. I’ve always wondered about the complete lack of creativity in this virtual space. I’ve experimented with online chats in the early 2000s when it had just arrived in India. And I found myself using the online space to do things that you cannot in the real world. Like have sex in the 13th century. I’ve invented scenarios where I am posing naked for a painting and the artist goes nuts while colouring in my breasts. Or I walk down to a cheap Chinese takeaway, get onto the table, strip and instruct the waiter to spoon in platefuls of steamed noodles into me while the restaurant watches in amazement.

Sex Is OK During COVID-19, Just No Mouth-to-Mouth

Back to more curation. I got sidetracked. Or shall I say, CO-VID-eoed? These are diseased times and I tend to overkill. Closer home, The Print did a story on cancelled dates and sex parties in India and around the world. The bit that grabbed me most was where a respondent came up with this great line – “Are we in ‘Pretty Woman’?” referring to the Julia Roberts-Richard Gere movie where Julia plays a sex worker who does not kiss clients on the mouth because it’s too personal. The Print says this respondent was reacting to the health advisories that said sex was okay as long as there is no mouth-to-mouth.