Weird Things Girls Do When They’re Alone Together

1. Say “is it okay if I take my pants off” before taking their pants off and remarking about how cute their underwear is and where they bought it.

2. Joke about having pillow fights in their underwear because that’s a cliched thing we’re told men fantasize about/think girls do when they’re alone together.

3. Talk about sex. Great sexual experiences, awkward sexual experiences, rude sexual experiences, what they like, what they hate, etc, etc, etc. If lots of liquor is involved, and the stars are aligned, demonstrations may follow.

4. Pull their hair into a messy knot on the tippy top of their head and lay in bed together, texting.

5. Sleep in the same bed and fall asleep giggling about nothing.

6. Give each other back rubs while watching TV.

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7. Get each other Monday night wasted while ‘watching’ The Bachelor.

8. Tell each other secrets. Like, that they are worried about money or cheated on their boyfriend or that. Bragging is reserved for “I HAVE NEWS” texts or brunches and happy hours. Dark thoughts = secrets.

9. Do gross things like pick zits, belch, and talk about periods and UTIs.

10. Compare nipple sizes and breast texture.

11. Take several rounds of front-facing camera group selfies.

12. Gather around a lap top and creep on crushes or exes current girlfriends.

13. Disect the characters on reality television shows with the precision of doctoral psychology students.

14. Sit cross-legged on the floor and do their makeup in front of a mirror.

15. Alternatively, share their makeup until it’s in one gigantic, homogenous pile in the sink.

16. Ask questions about what they think the future will be like, or what they want to accomplish, or what kind of person they think they will end up with and give sincere, thoughtful answers.

17. Devour food in decidedly un-ladylike fervor.

18. Browse through their selfie collection and wonder aloud whether they were prettier in 2010, to a chorus of “um no”s.

19. Have Sheryl Crow debut album-era singalongs.

20. Face masks and deep conditioning.

21. Feel completely comfortable and happy and understood, for once