You Don’t Love Him. You Just Love The Idea Of Him

As humans, we are attracted to certain people and we can grow feelings without even realizing it. You don’t have to be in a relationship; you don’t even have to have had sex with the person.  This leads to heartbreak, overthinking, unanswered questions and confusion.

He could appear perfect but still, be wrong for you. It’s easier to fill the void of rejection from one with the acceptance of another. Even if that other is a second choice, perhaps someone you left on the back burner. Sometimes we want love so bad that we choose quantity over quality “In every living thing, there is the desire for love” — D. H. Lawrence But is what you’re feeling for this new person love? Or do you just love the idea of him? Here’s how to tell you just love the idea of him.

1. YOU MISS HIM ONLY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE. You go the whole day without him crossing your mind. Then, as you get into bed, you are sitting there wishing there was someone next to you. Physical affection is important and no one should go too long without it. If you are feeling sad or lonely, those are normal feelings. This does not necessarily mean that you miss him, but more likely means that you miss having someone. Someone to kiss, someone to touch, someone to feel with. Remember that feeling lonely is normal and temporary.

2. YOU RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR. If he makes a rude comment, you overlook it. If he talks down to you, you ignore it. If he’s rude to your friends, you turn a blind eye. If he changes the subject, you let him. There is a difference between being laid-back and delusional. Making excuses for someone doesn’t help you. If you make it a habit, you will let that irritability grow deep inside of you. You may end up losing it or even resenting the person. This hurts only you.

3. YOU START TO CHANGE YOUR VIEWS OR OPINIONS. You find yourself questioning your values and what you think matters. You morph your beliefs around his opinions. Perhaps your wants and desires have dwindled or diminished. Stay away from this behavior as this could lead to settling. You don’t deserve to settle; you deserve the best. As frustrating as it can be when you don’t have it all, it is that much more fulfilling and worth the wait when you do.

4. YOU OFTEN FANTASIZE ABOUT FUTURE MEMORIES. You find yourself imagining future trips and adventures. You focus more on the potential of what could be versus what actually is. Hope is a beautiful thing but ask yourself if you’ve gotten carried away. Is the fantasy better than the reality?

5. THERE ARE THINGS YOU WANT TO CHANGE. Would you want someone to change you? Probably not. If you do want to make some changes, this has to be something you discover and then figure out for yourself.

6. YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHER COUPLES. You think if you just changed this one thing, you would be just as happy as that other couple you envy so much. However, most couples that use social media to shove their visual happiness through your corneas are the least happy. This does not apply for all. However, in my experience, I have noticed the happier couples are usually the ones that are actually out being happy rather than the ones presenting repetitive updates and lengthy explanations of how happy they are.

7. YOU BEGIN TO QUESTION WHAT YOU DESERVE. Stop that right now. I’ll say it again, you deserve the best in all aspects of life. Fight for the job, the love and the life you deserve. Never settle. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary”